Fred: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
by samshair
Summary: You're stupid, we're smart, read the #*%& @ manual next time.  Also- Spoiler filled.


Like I said, kinda spoiler heavy. Don't read unless you've finished the series. Or already ruined it for yourself (like me).

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Fred: The Owners' Guide And Maintenance Manual**

Congratulations! You are now the owner of a fully-automated **FRED **unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your brainy physicist, please pay close attention to the following instructions.

**Basic Information: **

**Name: **Winifred (Fred (proffered)) Burkle

**Date Of Manufacture: **19?

**Place Of Manufacture: **Wolfram & Hart Creations, Texas Division

**Height: **5'8"

**Weight: **Unknown

**Your FRED unit will come with the following accessories:**

Four shirts

Three pairs of pants

One skirt

A lab coat (fitted)

A potato-sack (brought from Pylea)

Glasses

When you first open your **FRED **unit, she may try to write on your home's walls. Get her comfortable, and give her some lined paper.

**Programming:**

Your **FRED **unit is smart; taco loving, smart, and very possibly a nerd, and can carry out the following functions:

**Tutor: **Are you dumb? Failing math? In need of educational help? If you answered yes to any of the questions, or if you can't understand the questions, **FRED** can help. She'll tutor you in math, science, history, and possibly English. But be careful, she might have you talking like a southerner when you're done.

**Strategist: **Planning a secret mission can be trying, so why not have **FRED** help? She may look innocent, but she's devised many a plan while working with Angel Investigations. Plus, she used to be something of a conspiracy theorist, so it'll be easier to convince her to break into the government.

**Quantum Physicist: **I'm not sure why, but if you ever need one, **FRED **can help.

**Restaurant Reviewer: **Hungry? Not sure where to go? It's a little known talent that **FRED** knows all about the best on-a-budget restaurants in town. Given, she'll usually want tacos.

**Your FRED unit comes with six different modes:**

Friendly

Nervous/Scared

Nerdy

Angry

Love

Evil

The Friendly mode is pretty much default, but **FRED **has the ability to not like you. Please, try not to send her to demon dimensions out of jealousy. It usually leads to a half way mark between angry and evil.

Nervous/Scared is activated around the Pylean Royal Guard, large, slimy demons, and Pasty Cline songs. If your unit is terribly afraid, you may want to buy her a large whiteboard.

Nerdy mode is actually fairly constant, as **FRED **is so damn smart. She went to college for history, and then physics in a graduates program in LA. Just don't mention her professor from there.

Angry mode is, honestly, a little frightening. Depending on what made your unit angry, you may be killed or banished to a demon dimension.

The love mode is kind of jumpy for **FRED**. It is activated first around the **GUNN **unit, then around **WESLEY**, when that stops, it goes to (**ASSORTED EMPLOYEES) KNOX**, and back to **WESLEY**. Hell, she even liked **ANGEL **for a bit at first.

Evil mode is a completely different unit, and we will not go into details here. However, if changes occur in your unit such as new hair and make-up, we suggest you find a reset button, or an **ILLYRIA **manual.

**Relations with other units:**

**ANGEL: **He rescued your unit from Pylea, so there's a check-mark in the gratitude column, and really nothing to worry about. Angel would never hurt his friends on purpose, (except for that time when he did), and as **FRED** is a friend, well. They're all good.

**CORDELIA CHASE: CORDELIA **units will definitely enjoy the female presence, but your unit's nerd talk will confuse her in no time. Don't worry, though. They don't _not _get along.

**WESLEY WYNDAM PRICE: **This is where it starts getting confusing for you. **WESLEY** units, like it or not, will be attracted to your **FRED** unit and, no matter how long you try to keep him away, they're gonna kiss eventually. At times, it's stronger than others, but when your **WESLEY **unit finally (kind of) gives up, they'll be able to get on fine.

**CHARLES GUNN: **For approximately a year, **GUNN** and **FRED** will share an intense (and/or sickeningly sugar-coated) relationship, much to **WESLEY'S **discontent. After it breaks up, he still has feelings for her until the end. (Awww…?)

**CONNOR: CONNOR **units were created with that messed up past, so he clearly has a problem with 'trust'. While it is possible to put **FRED** and **CONNOR **in a room together, he'll probably just run away anyways.

**LORNE: **Nothing mention-worthy going on between these two. Although, **LORNE **does appreciate **FRED'S** willingness to put on a certain _costume _to save him.

**SPIKE: FRED** helps **SPIKE**. **SPIKE **likes **FRED**. Moving on.

**WOLFRAM & HART ASSORTED EMPLOYEES: **Well, no one REALLY liked **GAVIN** or **LINDSAY**, so why should **FRED **be any different?

***KNOX: **They had this thing. And this thing didn't last very long. A few episodes, maybe (four weeks, in reality-time)

**Cleaning: **The **FRED **unit is fully capable of cleaning herself. Although, during one phase of her life, you may or may not find the **GUNN** unit coming out of the bathroom with her.

**Energy: **The **FRED **unit likes tacos, but will appreciate three meals a day.

**Frequently Asked Questions:**

**Q: **My **FRED** unit is writing all over the walls! And she won't stop. My mother-in-law is coming over tomorrow, and can't have her see the house like that!

**A: **Take a Mr Clean magic eraser and start scrubbing! No one likes a critical mother-in-law.

**Q: **My unit tried to help my five-year-old son with math homework, and I was called to his principal's office for cheating! They wouldn't do that!

**A: **five years old? **FRED **probably taught him over-advanced mathematics!

**Q: **I just was accepted into the UCLA Physics graduate program, but when I told **FRED, **she got real quiet, and took my car keys. Can I get them back? She's made me miss my first class.

**A: **That was her objective. You don't happen to have Professor Oliver Seidel, do you? If so, he escaped from near certain death in an alternate dimension and was comfortable enough to return to his evil teaching post where a semi-murderous girl almost killed him. Let's just say it means she cares about you.

**Q: **I think **FRED'S **defective. She wants marijuana.

**A: **Ahh, yes. Don't give it to her. On another note, she probably has reverted back to a school age **FRED**. She'll snap out of it.

**Q: FRED** and **GUNN** aren't talking to each other. Matter of fact, they're in different wings of my house now! Are they okay? What happened?

**A: **First of all, WINGS? How rich _are _you? Second, they broke up, moron. Third, make sure they eat.

**Q: **My unit's hair is blue. Can I get a refund?

**A: **Yes, you can. Send her back to us ASAP. Check out our website, .com for helpful tips on luring your unit into its box.

**Q: **My unit is slumped over and won't respond to me. I think she's dead. Help me.*

**A: **She's dead, yes. There's nothing you can do. Resurrection is a dangerous business, and WILLOW broke the magic urn anyways.

*Roughly translated from soggy handwritten letter received last week.

**Q: **My friends and I were having a Halloween get together with our units, and my **FRED** is totally wasted. What's a robot hangover like?

**A: **First of all, we don't create robots. They're synthetic mechanical...well, okay, they're robots. But don't go telling your units that. They won't appreciate it. Now for the question. It's just like a human hangover.

**Warranty: **With proper care, the **FRED **unit should live until the end of its days, or until she becomes a different _*ahem* _person completely. If this should happen, contact our main office for instructions on how to send away your **ILLYRIA **unit for a progress-blocked **FRED**.

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This one goes out to the Angel fans. Tell me, do you like Buffy or Angel more? Better yet, are you a Browncoat?


End file.
